The Dark Caves of My Mind

I’m one of those people who goes through dark mental spaces. I have all my life. I’ve worked with all kinds of help and I know many of the ins and outs of medications, therapies and everything in between.

I’ve studied addictions and mental health. I’ve lived with my own addictions and mental health issues since I came out kicking and screaming from the womb.

As an Intuitive, I know why I was kicking and screaming. I didn’t really want to be here, but I chose to come here because of a soul contract. I chose to come here because there is healing and magic to be done.

As much as I hate the word “woo,” I’m using it for context. If you don’t know this about me already, I am a balance of practical, analytical, brainy, magic, glitter, manifesting, with a side of Unicorn and comedy.

It has taken me a long time to get comfortable in this skin suit. It’s uncomfortable, it responds very poorly to extreme weather conditions and at nearly 40, I am finally realizing the work and time that I now need to take to be able to continue to show up and serve.

I’ve got the mental side of things sorted out, which may or may not be believable because I wear my ’I’m a nut!’ badge proudly. It helps me get through the days.

As an Intuitive, a psychic, an oracle, a sometimes-medium, I walk in both worlds regularly; meaning, I easily tune in and reside in the human world, but I also operate just as easily in the spirit world. I have conversations with the living and with the dead.

As a healer, I’ve healed physical pain and mental anguish: my own, as well as others.

I see and feel things the moment I know someone opens their mouth or walks into a space and something is out of alignment.

I know when something is an absolute ’don’t do it‘ for someone, but it isn’t my business. As a human, I have to mind my mouth. As an Intuitive, I actively have to practice discernment and only step in and speak up if I am asked.

It is not my job to intervene, illuminate or grab someone by the ear and tell them to stop doing something because it won’t lead them where they think they are going. It is my job to be available when I am needed and asked for guidance.

It’s a serious juggling act and when we are going through huge upgrades on this planet, like we currently are, I feel everything — always. I cannot hide from it. I cannot distract from it. Because there are no vices left for me to give me relief. I know what vices are. I know what avoidance is. So I don’t waste my time delaying what I need to experience anymore. It only lead to hangovers, debt and bad experiences anyway.

I’m one of those Starseed-Human types that feels everything a little extra. I know some of you are too.

I easily visit that place in my mind where I can explore what it would be like to end things. I have a very intimate relationship with what transitioning to the other side would look like. Every few years during certain periods or moments, I move into that mind-cave and see what needs to be unearthed. See what needs to be healed.

So, before you get all weirded out, this isn’t a final letter or something I am writing to you in code for you to come back to at some point and say you missed a sign. This is me sharing my truth and the organic wisdom that’s coming through me in the written form for the first time in what feels like a million years.

Things like mental health, addiction and being a struggling human should be normalized. As a person who is connected Intuitively, I am in a whole other experience of what it means to be ’aware.’ I feel and see things differently than the majority. I handle my experience of this life here very differently than the majority. When I had my first breakdown about 20 years ago, I knew my whole life was going to change.

It took what I refer to as my ‘roaring 20s’ of addiction and bad decisions of all kinds for me to decide to stick around. I didn’t know if what I’d done would be fixable or if my life was even worth trying to sort out at that point.

When I made the decision to stick around (which I wrestled with regularly), I didn’t know that by making that decision, just how good things would become.

I have experienced magic, abundance and creation. I have manifested the most incredible and powerful moments in my life.

Sidebar: shout out to all the people who say manifesting and gratitude is bunk or that writing down 3 things you’re grateful for daily won’t change your life. My response to you is that your egoic need to acquire is what’s screwing you up. The only secret to gratitude is sitting down and being IN it. Gratitude is not about getting. It is a sacred prayer and appreciation for everything you already have in your life in any given moment.

It does make a difference. It’s an action step that was the starting point of what kept me going in this whacked-out world of being human. My deepest wish is that people would stop bastardizing Gratitude. My intuitive self knows this is all part of that person’s process and that the like-minds will connect there to learn for themselves.

Speaking of puzzles, back to what I was talking about.

I have also experienced some of the most agonizing moments in the caves of my human mind.

I know I have the power to heal and do it daily…but healing is exhausting. Some days it takes every ounce of energy I have, which leaves nothing for anything else for the day or week.

I’m so wildly blessed that I can rejuvenate quickly now. I don’t get anchored in these depths for long these days, as I have conditioned myself to know how to move through them and work with them.

What I absolutely know is that this is all part of that woo thing called a ’soul contract’. It is part of my experience. It is part of my plan, my purpose and my path.

I’ve learned and continue to learn that the more open I am to allowing whatever shows up in my life, the more accepting and loving I am, the better I can show up and ultimately thrive.

In thriving, I am able to serve. In serving, I am able to continue to help heal myself and others.